My Journey to the Alter

When: December 2013

What: The realization that friends were getting married. Friends were moving away. Friends were making and birthing babies. Friends. Not me.

Thanksgiving was a dinner for one. Christmas was celebrated on the couch. The new year was brought in while watching The Bodyguard -- I always love my moments with Rachel Marron (Whitney Houston) and Frank Farmer (Kevin Costner), but this seems to have become tradition. I'm not mad about it, but it is a tradition that could possibly be enhanced by sharing it with a special someone. Possibly; provided they don't smack, chew with their mouth open, or chat (God forbid snore) during the movie.

I, also, realized that a Gentleman-Of-Interest (GOI) typically enters my life every other year. 2013 was the year, but it didn't happen. That added fuel to a friend's argument that it was time for me to get boo'd-up on the penthouse level. Enter...Married By New Year's.

As one of my all-time favorite movie quotes sums it up:

"I'm not your average 24 year old girl who's waiting to sit around and count the days. I'm 33...and I still look good!" - Whitney Houston as Savannah Jackson (Waiting To Exhale)

My ultimate 2014 social adventure: 365 days to find Mr. Right (For Me) and get married. 12 days in and it's already a journey; an interesting one nonetheless. I love that it's inspiring me to me more active and present in meeting new people; it's also causing me to sit and think about the small aspects of dating and socializing that people often neglect -- like body language and signs of openness.

Feel free to follow me on my journey, offer suggestions and tips, and introduce me to some eligible bachelors.

2014...we're doing this!

Keep Up With The Journey:
Married By New Year's Blog
Follow Me on Twitter

Is A Man's Heart In His Pants?

"Topics from Social Media"' day continues...

I've long heard the old saying that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach; but, does that journey start in the stomach, above the stomach, or below the stomach? Then, in which direction do you work? Which bring me to today and my homegirl ... I happen to love her so much ... Jada Pinkett-Smith (yes, we are bffs...in some way and form...in my mind). I straighten my bangs to her -- she truly continues to amaze me with the questions she poses publicly and the issues she fights for and support. I just love how she pretty much just says her business is her business, her life is her life; get yours, behave within your realms, and be who you are.

Anyway, back to today... Ms. Jada posed two really good questions; initially, pretty much asking 'is a man's heart in his Oscar-Meyer-Schlong-Dong' and then followed it up with this:

""Is great sex the only need, or primary need, for a man to have a good relationship with his partner?"

I love that she used "partner," because it adds another layer of potential discussion if you consider a relationship between two men .... and if both of their hearts are in the same location or different. 

As she noted in her Facebook post, it's a debate among she and her girlfriends and she's asking people to simply comment "YES" or "NO." That's nice and all, but I want to know your REAL thoughts; I mean, start out with the 'yes' or 'no,' but then give me the real juice...tell me why. GIVE IT ME! Drag your friends into the conversation (share buttons below), too, let's all talk. Bring men! I have an idea of what women will say, but I want to hear what the gentlemen have to say, as well.

Jada used with her post, as well. I have a feeling it's how many view the placement of the (romantic) hearts in women and men. Ooooh...that just made me think of a similar question about gay relationships. Hmmmm....!

Flirting While In A Relationship. Cheating?

Today is a "topics from social media" day; there are a few interesting questions surrounding dating and relationships that are floating around the networks and they offer some great discussion opportunities.

One was a tweet by Juan San Roman:

If you're in a relationship, flirting is cheating.
— Juan San Roman (@_JuanSanRoman) June 7, 2013

Some think cheating is only when visible activity (you know...sex) is involved; some way it's emotional. What is your take on this: within the boundaries of a relationship, is flirting innocent and allowable or is it cheating?

Comment below on how you feel and share this post with your friends to get their take.

Also, about to share with you a question from Jada Pinkett-Smith involving a man, his penis, and a relationship. Be sure to check it out...it's a good one.

Hooking Up

Yes. That.

Within the past week alone, it's been the topic of discussion...in a different way than normal; "newsworthy." Yes, I said it...like it's the new hotness. I've read an article's popular on the social media circuit and people are on national television shows discussing it and asking for viewer's thoughts. 

A word to the left behind: Hooking up is not new. Where have y'all been?  Am I missing something or are media notables of the heterosexual community just catching on or feeling comfortable enough to talk about it?

It's old; real old. It's a nuisance. It's been here for so damn long, I believe it's one of the main f***ing (no pun intended) reasons dating and relationships have gone by the wayside. Mass quantity, no responsibility, profit/gain. As the saying goes, "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?".

It's bad; real bad. I'm all about change and evolution, but dating and relationships seem to be on the verge of extinction; at least, as they are traditionally known and what's taking its place doesn't even resemble a relationship --- it's like a suit without any lining. Hooking up has been around for so long and has become so popular, it's become the main and first point of conversation of catch-ups amongst friends [let me tell you about my latest victim...I mean conquest...trophy....Let me tell you about whom I did what with], people are doing research studies on it, and it's become a culture: Hookup Culture. That must be like having a mind of its own.

It's not newsworthy. Point blank, period. How do we save society and have people form more interpersonal relationships of substance with each other (not necessarily physical or romantic), as in let's spend some time together and not disrespect or act like we don't know each other once we part ways...THAT is newsworthy. Hell, finding people who still believe in dating and getting to know each other will make a great news story; they are rare. If you can find someone who inquires of your name before trying to kiss you...they should be the next social media or reality tv star.

I Will Always Love You: A Love Letter

Everyone knows how much I love me some Whitney Houston and pretty much everyone love's her rendition of "I Will Always Love You." Dolly Parton did a wonderful job with the lyrics -- they are simple, to the point, and honest. It's an amazing song, but it's like the ultimate love letter.

Picture it:

Dear [insert name here]

"If I should stay, I would only be in your way. So, I'll go, but I know I'll think of you every step of the way.... I will always love you."

[your name here]

Ok, a break-up letter; but, still...talk about powerful, great impact, and effective.

#speechless

Let's Talk About Sex

Sex.
You know it? (I'm hoping for a 'yes.')
You've had it? (Keeping my fingers crossed.)
Good...let's talk about it. Okay, maybe not about IT, but something in relation to it.

Like: why does sex make people lose their damn minds? I'm not talking about game time "I'm in a state of euphoria I can't think straight." I'm talking about pregame, full-blown, kray-kray crazy!

Is it the lack of sex or the hunt for sex that puts people in a whole new, leveled-up element. All of this multiple personalities and fifty shades of nonsense is too much. I can't take it...and the dating world doesn't seem to be handling it well, either.

I'll admit: I've tried pretty much every form of dating and have met folks through all of them. While many of the methods have sucked, so have many of the dates, and most of the people I've gone on dates with, but...I digress.  The most interesting and entertaining aspect of it was stumbling upon a few of those I've gone on dates with on a few of the other platforms.

•  Example: Mama's Big Rusty Baby
• Let's say I'm introduced to Mama's Big Rusty Baby via a friend/coworker; we chat, we connect, we go on a date...I no longer speak to that friend/coworker, change my SSN, move out of state, and have my mail/email marked "undeliverable."  I then run across MBRB at a lounge/bar, at a sporting/social event, and on an online dating site.

Four different environments with MBRB and four different personalities; each belonging to MBRB...all with one goal: sex. Aside from them doing and saying things from another planet and only makes sense to logical sense to them, additional craziness comes about when you try to put all of these personalities together to form one person; each personality has a different mindset, different interests, and different beliefs...and remember it's all the same person. Each encounter puts a blank stare on your face, because you have no idea what to think of this person, while they swear they are being cute, persuasive, irresistible, flattering, and about to get them "some."

What goes on in people's minds when it's clouded with sex? Common sense does not seem to exist when the possibility or pursuit of sex is present. Randy Gage once said, "When you let your sexual thoughts control you, you lose all focus and purpose."

I can kinda see it; people end up all over the place...doing and saying things they really should not be, but think it's all peaches and cream. Even the professional quacks know that you gradually unleash the whackness over a period of time; not all at once or over a two-week time span.

Meanwhile, back in Myville, I'm trying to figure out how to process all of this and still see them as normal. It. Just. Doesn't. Work. It's pretty much an overload...and near impossible. I've given some the benefit of the doubt; only to be reminded that crazy is abundantly available.

At which point and where does one present their true self to someone they are trying to get to know...and have sex with? You know, when do people really put the real them on display and become that comfortable, natural sexy? The real key to getting that mind-blowing sex that really makes you kray-kray for sugary snacks.

The Christian Grey Effect

Fifty Shades of Grey is still the saucy water-cooler topic of the moment and it's still making people sweat from reading it and blush at the mention of it. Why? I have no idea. Perhaps it is because people assume what it's about before reading it or because people have been living sheltered lives and have been sexually restrained (no pun intended) or inexpressive for far too long. Either way, I pass no judgement. I'm reading the trilogy; or rather, I should say...I'm *still* reading the trilogy. It's a fight and struggle...one I'm desperately ready to overcome.

Don't get me wrong, it's great to see a "romance" novel that reads more like a traditional fiction novel, but I can only take so much boredom. And...hell-to-the-yes...Christian Grey is a dream; with his flaws and all! Yet, while he's making ladies (and some guy-loving men) flip their tops, he's highlighting the many shades of crazy in the men folk. In a way, it's a blessing in disguise as it makes one aware of the BS and nonsense when they see it and know when to walk away.

You know what I'm talking about. Those 'men' who want to call all of the shots, make all of the decisions, and have you do and act as he says in ways that please him.

• The man who wants to talk non-stop and expects you to listen without interrupting (most likely because he doesn't think you have an option of value); yet, he's not saying anything of substance...and likely just tooting his own horn and singing his own praises.
• The man who wants to dictate and determine whom you can have as friends. Opposite-sex friends are a definite NO; despite the fact they have been in your life prior to him and will likely continue to be in your life AFTER him.
• The man who expects you to be conservative in the streets and a freak between the sheets. Wait, isn't that every man?
• My personal favorite, the man who wants you to eat when he eats and what he says to eat. Better known as, the man who orders for you ,but doesn't know what you want. Yes, he's ordering what he wants you to eat. Which could be cool...under some circumstance...but is definitely not hot when he orders you a steak and you're a vegetarian.

Doesn't that sound like the delish and scrumptious Christian Grey, CEO? For the most part, it is. Now, imagine it's the guy sitting across from you. Is he Christian? If he's not, get up and walk away. Don't say anything; just get up...and go. Don't let anyone come into your life with Christian Grey tendencies without delivering the Christian Grey benefits:

• The American Express "Black" card
• Puts thousands of dollars in your account so you will have pocket change
• Turns you inside out, right-side up, and any which way but loose
• Provides a personal trainer and personal shopper for you
• Begs you to spend his money...and smiles when you do
• His eyes only see you

All of the others and their various shades of fxck'ry and fxckedupness...do yourself a favor and send them back to Harry Potter and Dr. Seuss.  

You can do bad all by yourself...and you don't need their craziness to boot.

Online Dating Profiles: What NOT To DO

You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both, and often times we just get too damn much…of nothing; which is the case when it comes to online dating. It’s downright fright-ten-ning! People are crazy; I mean serial-crazy. And the pool of crazy people far too often consist of people who have no intention of giving online dating an honest try because they are skeptical of the entire process, people who “try” online dating because they don’t want to pay for sex, people who have zero social skills and think they can get by and hide online, people who are just crazy and clueless, and the 1% who would be worth getting to know…if only they hadn’t just met someone else or just gotten out of a long term relationship two weeks ago (which leads us to another category of “people who shouldn’t be looking for love, but are).

But enough of that, let’s get to the good stuff…it’s both interesting and helpful. For those who decide they want to register with an online dating site; the below offers great tips on what to/not do. For those who are giving it a whirl, it lets you know what to keep out of your profile and alerts you run far away from people who have this stuff in their profile.

Ready…set…let’s go!

First and foremost: Do NOT register with an online dating service if you aren’t open to the possibility or have no intention of meeting someone in-person/offline. I mean, really, what’s the point?

Do not get confused between a dating site and a sex site; you may see the same people on both sites, but they serve two totally different purposes and mindsets.

Summaries:

Don’t tell ALL of your business; some things are best left unsaid…until the appropriate time – like you’ve been dead for six weeks and the truth is finally starting to be revealed.  I’m kidding, but some things do not need to be shared with someone who’s never actually met you.

That being said, do not write your autobiography, either; keep it brief and intriguing…leave something to talk about later. If your profile looks like it could take someone 20minutes to read, they’ve already lost interest.

Be consistent. If you're going to bend the truth on a subject matter, be consistent with it throughout your profile and throughout the rest of your life; as it will follow you until you decide to let the truth set you free. Let me tell you a story: there was a young guy who selected "Bisexual" as his sexual orientation when he registered his account, he then proceeded to describe himself as a "Straight Jewish Caucasian." It may just be me, but something about that just doesn't sit right with my spirit.

Also, your profile summary is not the place to air out your laundry list of wants, preferences, and demands…keep those for your friends (the real ones).

I’ll reiterate…it’s a summary, NOT your autobiography.

Photos:

     Sadly, online dating is mostly about the physical attraction, so your profile pictures should not be appalling, but appealing. Meaning….DO NOT:

• Post a picture of you in a doctor’s office receiving medical treatment for an injury.  Definitely don’t make it your main picture!
• Post pictures containing other people; especially if they are more attractive. (Blur the faces of others or crop them out completely.) 
• Post bad quality photos: dark, from a distance, grainy, only shows a portion of your face (if at all)…all of these indicate you are trying to hide something and a sane person should stay far away from you.  In addition, NO NUDITY! 
• Post pictures that are embarrassing, bizarre, awkward, or down-right questionable. Pictures can show personality, but use some discretion and sound judgment. 
• Display a picture of an ex with the caption: I have had successful relationships in the past; references available upon request.  Most relationships are successful…until they FAIL. 
• Share a sole picture of your grandmother on your dating profile without an extremely valid explanation. 
• Post pictures of you being intimate with others. 
• Showcase pictures of you in your underwear if: 1) they are dirty 2) they are drooping/sagging/stretched out 3) you have grandchildren and/or adult-aged children.
• Caption each of your photos beginning with the words: Here we are... Especially, if you're the only person in the photo.

Side note: It may, also, not be the wisest or most effective thing to wear a shirt that says “I [heart] Black People” … if you’re not Black.

Usernames:

People seem to lose their damn minds here; or think they are being cute and/or creative. GET HELP PEOPLE!

Some I’ve seen that just say “NO” or are counter-productive/ineffective:

Ashy_like

JustLooking

TryAgain (I totally wanted to say “Why bother? Game over!”

HuskySexyCool (if you’re on an online dating site, you are too damn grown to be using the word ‘husky’ to describe yourself)

"I'm Busy" is Illegal Tender

Maybe it's just another one of my "standards" (and you better have some) things, but I accept Visa, American Express (Black Card accepted with open arms), and on the rare occasion; Mastercard (with proper photo identification). So, tell me...why do people (especially those who try to get up all in my kitchen drooling to lick the batter from my bowl) look at me like I'm stuck-on-stupid when I tell them their "I'm busy" (or some other whack or weak variation of it) excuse is unacceptable?

Chile, bye! Get your life together...and do not come at me with foolishness!

You can only be too bus for so long; it's all about proper and effective time management. More than likely, it would only take a brief moment (you know...an instant) to do whatever you are dreading or to grow a set (as in "confidence") to say what you really should be saying.

No one is too busy to do something they want or need to do. Now, let that sit, marinate, and percolate.

Too busy? Dust yourself off, try again, and come correctly. I'm not having it; period, full stop.

*note: this applies for when "I'm busy" is used far too often and has gone beyond a reasonable length of time. Depending on the circumstances, anything over a week is beyond a reasonable duration of time...in my opinion.

If You Love Someone...Will You Always?

Maybe...just a little bit? Honestly, it's hard to say. I know being "in love" doesn't mean eternal longevity.

Thanks to Facebook (FB) and Whitney Houston, my life is a social-media love song; filled with melody, rhyme, reason, endless resources, and surprisingly useful information and trends. FB has taught me that sometimes you have to let people go (unfriend); and Whitney has taught me how to do it...especially for those personal friendships/relationships that involves more than just the click of your mouse or a tap of your fingertip.

As people, we grow...we evolve...we (ok, most of us) change (hopefully, for the better). With this, the dynamics in our friendships and relationships with our friends, our lovers, and for some the relationships with former "persons of interest." Assess. Evaluate. Remove those connections that have deteriorated beyond repair and no longer hold value for your life....dead-weight-be-gone!  This is why I always say know the difference between "friends" and "friendly." You DO NOT have to be friends with someone to be friendly and being friendly DOES NOT mean you are friends.

When the time comes (and it definitely should come) to end a friendship or a relationship; take the high road and be nice and mature about it; respectful. Don't take the passive, lame, ignorant approach of not returning phone calls, suddenly being too busy (see my rant on the "busy" excuse) for someone...communicate. Lay the cards out on the table; let them know you are ending the friendship and relationship. You can provide a reason as to why if you want or if they ask, but in the least, effectively communicate that the friendship/relationship is over/complete/done wish/null and void/dissolved. Closure is invaluable; and all parties will appreciate and respect it.

Trust me when I say "it feels good." To let someone know your song is over and there will be no more dancing....priceless.

Yes, I leave you with this to help you find your way home....

Before I Say 'I Do'

There's a LOT to be done. And I don't mean...selecting a caterer, planning the menu, finding suitable and elegant favors, arranging the seating chart, not strangling the wedding planner, hiring a florist, or deciding between a venue or a destination. Honey, that's easy...child's play. Even the wedding band is decided (amuse yourselves, check them out here). The hardest work to be done is finding an eligible, compatible, sane, and employed (or at least employable) candidate; you know, that "one" worthy of becoming your partner [and lover] (for life). It's such a daunting task; it's like four people's jobs in one.

Why is it so hard...and what are we going to do? People were 'waiting to exhale' in 1992; by now, I'm sure many have died from asphyxiation, and are all awaiting a rebirth (of the dating scene). Forget a man-cleanse; when it's forced and non voluntary, the dating society needs a rainstorm...a monsoon.

I had a conversation with one of my older cousins recently; we discussed a wide variety of things...but definitely touched on men and dating. She said (more or less) it was bad during her time, but she managed to have a good time. She added that she didn't know what me and my generation are going to do..."there's absolutely nothing; it's terrible." The whole time I was pretty much thinking: "Girl, you're preaching to the choir. Cause I know." Well, there is a WHOLE LOT of crazy out there ! And in many forms; most unimaginable and not worthy of entertaining. Not included in that are those who don't have their lives together, but should have established order years ago. After that, what's left?

Very little, that's what. And from there you still have to do the background check, credit check, blood tests, investigate family medical and mental history, social scene placement, and how the candidate interacts with key family members and friends, and resume reviews and reference checks. Let's not forget The Illusionists; those who look and seem readily available and qualified, until you learn their real story. These are typically those who are: just stepping out of the closet [eye roll], enjoy being single [another eye roll], have no idea what they want (i.e., friends or maybe more) [these you just walk away from; nothing said], recently out of a long-term relationship/marriage, wrapped up in feelings for an ex [these you run away from...QUICKLY], someone you've dated before and it didn't work [blank stare], or your basic quintessential loser.

Now, do you see what I mean when I say there is A LOT to do before the wedding? Just finding the one you want (and can be able to) marry is a bit much. We also have to vet through those who think they are qualified (some even have the audacity to think "overqualified"); perhaps, if we could classify them (or even better if they could classify themselves) in to the following groups; it would make it all A LOT easier, more efficient, productive, and straight to the point.

*Categories:
Not You
Never You
I'd Have To Be Drunk And On Drugs To Choose You
You Failed Before I Started Looking
You Never Happened
Do I Know You?
I Have Never Seen You Before In My Life Lets Not Start Now

A lot of the people who fit these categories are irresponsible, immature, play too many games, don't have their lives in order, afraid of commitment, don't have respect for themselves and/or other people, and lack dating knowledge and skill. Meaning, they have no idea as to how to date and get to know someone. That's a lot to put up with; it's exhausting!

As you can see, dating ain' cute or easy. So, before I can say "I do," I need to find someone to say it to. This, is where the real work begins!


Note: A friend and I generated these categories (and a few others not listed); if you fit into any of these categories or can categorize someone within one...it's not a good thing.

((M+M) + (W+W)) x NY = What's Next?

Now that my fellow same-sex loving New Yorkers can legally (30 days after the signing of the bill?) state those vows and say "I do"....What's next? I'm concerned; very concerned.

I imagine, in the beginning and over the course of a year, an influx of people to the state of New York to get married and an impressive amount of NY'ers legally declaring their love for their partners. With that, I wonder how much of the stereotypes will come true and if the anticipated staggering amounts of revenue will really begin to be generated.

Stereotypes including ginormous, extravagant, and lavish weddings...which will likely be more like major, headlining events; as you know...[a lot of my people] have a tendency to be "extra," attention-grabbing, and straight-up over-the-fabulous-top! In the entertainment/television industry, I can only imagine how many same-sex wedding (and wedding planner) reality shows will be pitched next week and which will be the first network to get a show on the air. If the gay Sexy and the City 2 wedding [video]was any inclination as to what we have to look forward to, this is going to be an interesting and blinding journey. A few friends and I have discussed how outlandish this could be; we know there will be some vying to out-do the next with extremeness and over-the-top gaudiness...and we all know that usually equates to tacky-squared. The Battle for the Biggest/Best Gay Wedding is on! IMAGINE!!! And within NYC, "pop-ups" are the new it thing: stores/shops, restaurants; just to name a few. If I see any pop-up wedding alters, I promise you I'm going to scream like a banshee....and dare somebody to Facebook or YouTube the video.



While I hate to play the devil's advocate (but you know I gladly will), let's not forget that (unfortunately) with same-sex weddings will come the same-sex divorces. Forget reality tv...for these moments, I anticipate books and feature films! You know we can be some greedy, vengeful, ruthless, and fierce b*@ches when crossed, so when we're fighting each other...blockbuster fireworks. The spite, the hate, the you-did-me-wrongs.....chiiiiile, heterosexuals haven't seen a nasty divorce, yet. (Somebody pop me some popcorn!) Cannot wait to see who starts World War 6 (Sir Elton John? Ricky Martin? Ellen DeGeneres? Some local NYer we don't know but will wish were our best friend?)! Sadly [inserted to show a little tenderness and public concern and compassion], I do envision a higher divorce rate among same-sex marriages (especially in the beginning), because I believe many will make the journey to Marriedland because we can, to be one of the firsts, and for all the wrong reasons (i.e., not knowing their partner well enough, not loving themselves first, and not knowing REAL love).

Alas, que sera sera....we and many others will be watching.

For those of you are wondering about me and my wedding, I hope you've read "Before I Say 'I Do'".

Cover

WAKE UP! It's time to throw back the covers, plant your feet on the floor, stand up, and look around. Sleeping too long can cause you to rush out of bed and overlook important signs. Are you the only one sleeping with your man? It may be time to blow the cover and see the situation in its bare nakedness; and either check your man or milk it for what it's worth.

While the interest in relationships seems to have disintegrated to hell, the belief and act of committed relationships and the adherence to marriage vows seem to disappearing along with it. It's 2011; technology is progressing, but people aren't socially or emotionally. People are still afraid to show, express, and stand up for who they really are. The DL (Down-Low) life is so old and stale, I just knew it wasn't relevant; but, it somehow morphed into a 'politically-correct-homosexual-all-encompassing' "men who sleep with men." Now, it seems to me, a majority of the men (and other men like them) who were sheepishly using that description are now describing themselves as "straight," but still engaging in not-even-close-to-straight (sexual) behavior and activities.

Ladies, I'm going to help you out...these are your boyfriends and your husbands; many of whom, I'm sure, if you're paying attention to them have some (remote) idea or inclination as a lot of these men aren't as concealed as they believe themselves to be. Ideas to ponder and look for: Is he hard to reach when you're out of town, randomly going places with "one of the boys" at odd times, have a new best male friend appear out of nowhere, or have a close male friend who's wife/girlfriend you've never met (or who's wife/girlfriend you end up spending more time with than you want because the men are always putting the two of you together)? It may be time to get rid of the cover. I see and hear about this stuff far too often; it's sickening and maddening. Many of these men are smart with their slickness but aren't smart enough to know the difference between "discreet" and "discrete." Discreet is now synonymous with deceit, dishonesty, and drama. Neither of which I do or tolerate.

So...COVER, or better yet: what's going on underneath [no punctuation mark]; I'm leaving it open so you can decide for yourself: 1) Is there something going on underneath? 2) Something is going on underneath. Which ever you decide, the "cover" has been on too long and the time has come to blow the top and see the situation in its bare nakedness; act now...before something hits home. It may not be your man keeping you warm at night; but, instead, something from your man..

Ladies, get your girls together; it's time for a movie night! Pop some corn and gather around the couch with a few bottles of wine. The movie to see if Bill Duke's "Cover." Marriage. Betrayal. Secrets...and Lies.



To those men who are hating on me and disliking what I've written about this craziness, I say screw you. If you're man enough to like dick, you should be man enough to live up to it and come out of the closet. No one's holding you back but yourself.

Let's Be Friends

WHAT IN THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN??? "Let's be friends" ... and is it followed by a question mark or a period? One can never tell. Personally, I wish people would forget the games and passiveness and just say what is on their minds. It's 2011 for crying out loud; can we all please man-up and get it together? Geesh.

Let's. Be. Friends. Those three words that are intended to imply that romantic interest is not present; at least, not for the party speaking the words. We all should be adults about our grown-up situations and take the bull by the horns; just let it be known that the present situation (whatever it may be) isn't working and each party should go their ways. Spare the friendship -ish, because you know you don't want to be friends, anyway; it's just not going to happen. Besides, have you ever asked one of your true friends if the two of you could be friends? (Pause...let that one marinate and percolate.) I didn't think so. That would be real strange, right? Someone you would designate as crazy and run as far and as fast away from as you possibly could. Remember this the next time you hear someone (special?) say, "Let's be friends." Run like the wind; they don't want to be friends and they don't know how to be friends.

I confess; I have heard the words before. So, I spoke from experience when I said "they don't actually want to be friends" and "they don't know how to be a friend." Yes, I have wasted a few valuable moments of my life on "friends" I should not have; which is why I am sharing this with you...ok, more like warning you. Don't make me have to come back and say "I told you so." You know I'll do it; nicely [grin], but I'll do it.

Now, the dispenser of these words is likely to be an intimate cohort. If the intimate situation isn't working out; the chances of a real friendship working out aren't that attractive, either. I think it's one thing if you're friends first, evolve into some sort of romantic situation, and then you realize the fire isn't there so you downgrade and return to being friends. That, could work...riiiiight? Better chance there a starting out higher (more than platonic) and downgrading. If you can't handle the original position you applied for; this company may not be for you. Go forward; not backwards.

Deborah Cox and R. L. sang about a similar situation in one of my favorite songs, "We Can't Be Friends." Deborah did her thang and kept it simple and to-the-point: "We can't be friends." She fell a little short, as she was still in love with her former Boo, but I give her props for taking charge and handling the situation. Hold up your hand, stop the presses, and put yourself first; spare yourself the drama and the pain.





With this video in mind, Deborah and I are pretty much alike...aside from the fact she can sing and I; well, I can entertain. The next time someone gives you these few words, stand up and tell them like it is Get missing! Keep it moving! And don't come back.

"Let's be friends" {question mark}
"Oh, hell to the no" {period; full stop}

Facebook: From Social Network to Social Activist?

Facebook never ceases to amaze; from social network to advertising platform to celebrity fan club to....social activism? When minor things (even simple developments and improvements) make me smile; you know something is up or I've twisted something in some sick way. But, Honey-Chile, a few days ago...Monsieur Facebook touched my spirit and warmed my soul.

Now, thanks to Facebook's new relationship status options (which according to USA Today, gay users give tremendous applause -- I guess you have to be in that particular subset. I'm in a subset of my own celebrating for another reason.); not only do we get to see when people are dumped publicly (as we discussed in "Break-Ups"), but we also get to see how people reclassify their personal situations when selecting a new relationship status: "in a domestic partnership," "in a civil union," and so on. But, you know me, I can't wait to see who goes from being involved in something to being "single" and who moves from being in something to "it's complicated" -- a personal favorite. Perhaps I should go from "single" to "it's complicated"? Cause, as most of us single-folk know...at times, it can be all-out rough and unattractive.

On a deeper note, I sincerely hope this latest move/improvement by Facebook encourages folks to take an honest look at their lives and their 'relationships,' to see (and define) what they really have in their possession. Evaluate! I know of many who are involved in situations they should not be; those who are settling for something far lesser than what they want and deserve; and those who are holding on to something that truly amounts to absolutely nothing. Stop wasting your time, stop wasting your energy; stop wasting your life.

This is especially dedicated to all of my lovelies who are caught-up in some scenario that has influenced them to have their relationship status as "it's complicated." I ask you two things:

1. Why is it complicated?
2. Why in 2011 on this green Earth are you still in that complicated situation?

If it's complicated; get the hell out. Do better! Do you! As for those in the "open relationships"...please enlighten me. I must be miss something, because I don't see the point...but we'll visit O-R's later.

For all the haters; yes, I know...I am single. Partly because I refuse to settle and partly because I will not be in a complicated situation that holds no value and is complicated for no reason.

I know my own worth.

Break-Ups: Things of the Past?

All good things must come to an end; true. This happens most with our relationships; personal relationships tend to end in crueler ways than professional relationships. Based upon how severely the ending of personal relationships can affect us, many never realize that how we separate ourselves from our relationships is key. Depending upon how the process is executed, it can make one wonder if it was ever actually good to start off with.

Breaking-up is hard to do...according to that old saying...but apparently it's not. People do it all the time: packing up and moving out while the "old ball and chain" is away from home, disappearing and ceasing communication, and the latest trend...updating the Facebook relationship status to "single" (alerting your friends before informing your partner). Prime examples that far too many people are stupid as hell and have lost their damn minds! Who does stuff like this? RAISE YOUR HAND! Who dates people like this? STAND UP! Who knows people like this? SHOUT! (I hope you can hear me cause I'm yelling like a banchee!) Where do we find these people? Can we please quarantine, keep them there, and forget about them? They can have each other! I know you're saying that's mean and cruel {Personally, I don't see a problem.}, but just imagine...world peace and harmony. {smile}

But, seriously, The Break-up...what happened it to? We're now in a world of "I just want to be friends," "we can use some space," "I'm seeing someone else," and "'Facebook User123abc' has changed their relationship status to 'single'" ... all via text, email, or the internet. WTH! I mean, seriously? Seriously! We have lost it as a people. We need to get it together, do better, and get right! As for the simpletons who aren't respectful enough to even communicate a break-up; as in, they disappear, ignore their [former] partner, or offer lame communication to the point where you get fed up and leave them to stew in their stupidity; they just need to be dipped in tar, feathered, and blessed by a higher deity...or poked and prodded by the lowest evil.

I know breaking-up is an Art and many lack talent, but can we at least exhibit some decency and tact? I know your mother taught you better than that. If you're bold enough to become romantically and/or intimately involved (yes, I did the and/or because you know some of you will admit to one and not the other {eye roll}) with someone, you should have the balls (or boobs) to sit down (face-to-face) with them and explain/discuss the break-up; at the very least inform them that the relationship is thereby dissolved.

A true and admirable break-up should be executed respectfully; with grace and tact. You need to convince your former Love to let you walk out the door on your own two feet, instead of stabbing you and having the authorities remove your remains in a body bag. I'm just saying...you do them right and they'll do you right (or do you in, but that's a chance one takes). Aim for that friendship clause; where you agree to be "friends" both knowing you truly never want to see, hear from, or think about the other again.

Just remember these two things:

1. Karma is the Queen B!#$h!
2. This only applies to civilized unions; if you have one of those violent, abusive, crazy, Ike and Tina Turner type relationships...do what you have to do and get the hell up out of there.
   

Prerequisite for a Second Date

A good vibe? Sparks? A full set of [uncapped] teeth? Making it through dinner without describing their Top 10 Allergy triggers or crying three times over their former significant other? Sexual tension that makes you want to burst...or slap somebody? Securing the practically unattainable and rare second date; nice work if you can get it...and if you got it; dish the dirt! What did you do (or didn't do) to get it?

According to recent conversations and discussions I've had regarding the dating game, it seems as if spreading your legs, touching your toes, and the ability to have an orgasm without becoming entangled in a sticky situation are prerequisites and required qualifications for a second date. Or, as I like to call it "another chance to shag you before I ignore your calls, block your texts, and pretend like I've never seen you before in my life."

Whatever happened to the good old days of sex before marriage but after the fourth date; knowing someone's name before knowing their underwear cut and color? Where are they hiding and how did we lose them?

Again, I blame technology for the lack of grace and decline in people's social skills; especially when it comes to dating and human interaction. Brain cells are deteriorating and people are losing their damn minds and ability for intelligent interaction and conversation, by hiding behind computers and other electronic devices. Online dating and electronic devices are great distractions and adult babysitters, but they are also hazardous to your social, mental, and emotional health. (I may have just made up social health, but go with me.) They seem to increase the fear of rejection and commitment to astronomical levels; up the ladder and through the roof.

Long gone are the days of pleasant and fun conversation, laughing at jokes, discovering mutual interests outside of leather, S&M, and water sports (and I absolutely DO NOT mean jet skiing or snorkeling). Looking into someone's eyes and longing to do it again, enjoying the scent of someone so much it etches a thought of them into your brain, and wanting to truly get to know someone for whom they are and what they represent are now ancient and no longer second date determiners. Kissing [French; as in, with tongue] is required; 'dropping it like it hot' and 'putting your back into it' are not frowned upon and often, over zealously, encouraged.

While the second date is practically impossible to get; unless you give a little to get a little....I won't even mention the third date. If you can get that far (even with sex), I would expect a ring to be presented before dessert.

As always, while they may have their prerequisites; you have and keep your standards -- held high. If their prerequisites are lame; they don't deserve you. Keep it wrapped. Keep it fresh. Keep it moving!

THE DISTRACTION! Don't let this be you

It's time to wake up and smell The Folgers! There's a new role in town! Ok, so, it's been around for a while, but we finally have an understanding of it, a description of it, answers for questions surrounding it...a name for it: THE DISTRACTION.

We've all been called "the distraction" in one form or another. Wrecked our brains trying to understand what it meant; confused ourselves trying to decide if we should be flattered or insulted. As we already know...we Good Folk...never win in this game of 'love & dating,' so it shouldn't be anywhere near surprising that "the distraction" [said ever-so sweetly] is an insult. And when said nicely, probably makes it the grand insult, cause then it's like a bitch-slap in the face to go along with it.

Distractions are never good enough to be The One, but possess attractive qualities that are alluring and tempting; you know, worth a taste but not a purchase. Let's take a trip down memory lane; along the way we'll recount the times when you (or someone you know) was THE DISTRACTION:

• Never took you home to meet Mama
• Never met the close/best friends
• Introduces you as "a friend" or "coworker"
• Won't formerly commit
• Sideline Ho (i.e., The Side Piece)
• Rarely go out in public together
• Constantly mentioning recent relationships/ex-lovers
• Just out of a relationship
• Booty-calls only
  
• The ever-too-popular arrangements: friends w/ benefits, f-buddies, etc.
• The Rebound
• Doesn't invite you over
• The String-A-Long (i.e., Let's be friends, I'm not sure what I want)
  

A note to the soon-to-be-wise: if you ever feel as if someone's giving you attention only to take their mind off someone or something else....they're playing you as The Distraction. I'm warning you, now; they will be nice, smooth, and gentle about it. It will sound genuine, but it won't be; it's a game, a charade, an act, an escape...a means to an end. As someone recently explained to me, "there is no need to be rude, especially to someone who finds me fuckable." This is, of course, until the deed is done...then all hell breaks loose and the rudeness is rampant.

If you come across a scene or script where it appears you may be portraying The Distraction...run like the wind! You deserve better; keep it moving!

Do YOU!

Somebody's Nobody: Good, But Not Good Enough

I consider myself Classic Chic; meaning I'm modern with an old-fashioned foundation. I know things change with time; I embrace trends, I like to be up-to-date. However, with this flexibility and adaptability, I believe that certain foundations and principles should maintain their basic values over time.

Relationships.

As the songs goes, 'nice work if you can get it.'

I believe in flirting. I believe in dating. I believe in knowing someone's name (first and last) before they are all-up-in your bakery tasting your cookies. Yes, I'm a believer in a lot of things Romantic. But, that's just me...figuratively speaking, but it also appears to be literally speaking. No one dates any more and people run from relationships like it's the plague or their income taxes. I was actually involved in a conversation recently where someone shared two things: 1) they didn't date and 2) they were frightened when someone asked them out on a date. I mean...really? Stupid is as stupid does, but how silly-fied can you be?

I guess exceptionally silly, because this leads me to my next point...open relationships. What...in...the...ham sandwich...!? What is an open relationship? What's the purpose? Nothing says "I'm good, but not good enough" better than an open [long-term] relationship. The open relationships I've seen aren't even valuable enough to be "of convenience." The investment will never yield a return. So, why are so many people playing this role? (For feigned convenience. To say they have someone.) What's to get from it? (Stress. Disrespect. Drama.) Would insight offer any learning value?

Many open relationships seem to be one-sided; one-partner agrees to keep the other partner in their lives. Listen to me, some things (and some people) aren't worth holding on to. If you have to suffer, lower your standards, or change your beliefs...let them go. They have a power over you and are using it to their advantage. Someone having power over you creates defiance; when you're defiant...it's time to get moving. Never get trapped in love with someone who doesn't think you're somebody special.

If you're in an open relationship, be smart about it; make sure the partnership is equal...you're each getting what you want out of the arrangement (I like "arrangement" better than "relationship"; going back to my 'old-fashioned' foundation).

Somebody's Nobody is Anybody's Fool. Stop being Somebody's Nobody and start being Someone to Somebody.

At the Drop of a Dime: A Dating Rant

I know I've said this before, but you know when something's so-right, you have to say it, again. It's frightening how most men (homosexual, heterosexual, or a combination of the two) insist on repeatedly demonstrating ways to prove (or significantly reinforce the opinions of others) that they:

1. Are no-good, lieing, cheating dogs
2. Are crazy as hell
3. Have lost their damn minds

...and not necessarily in that particular order! Seriously, come on people...let's get it together; do better. Much better!

Point-in-case, the most recent dingbat (Dingbat # TooManyI'veStoppedCounting)...felt the need to call repeatedly; and never left a message. Did it ever occur to him I couldn't answer the phone...or in this case, didn't hear it ringing as the phone was on silent? (Probably not. See...he's special; or as I like to call it...'crazy as hell.') So, we finally connect...WHAT DO YOU WANT??? He was available and was just calling to see if I wanted to go out...catch a movie or something. IT'S 10PM...EASTERN! HELL-TO-THE-NO!!!

What's wrong with people? What possessed him to think I was going to drop what I was doing (relaxing my nerves and soul) to go out with him...last minute? How dare he have the audacity to think he's special enough for me to jump because he's "available." (See...'done lost his damn mind.') I've only met 2.5 people in my life who would make me even consider jumping at a moment's notice...and I probably still wouldn't do it. Standards, people. Get some. Stick to them.

This is not the first person or the first "gentleman" this has happened with; obviously has me confused with someone else. Please note: I am not your average 17 year old (or sad 34 year old) who's willing and anxiously sitting around counting tweets or waiting for you to FaceBook or text them. I'm 21...with a few years' experience. I'm busy; out and about living my life and doing my own thang. Catch me if you can.



Note: I know I didn't touch on #1, but it's covered in far too many other posts. Besides, it's self-explanatory and we see it far too often. Stay tuned...it'll be around, again.