Friend(s) vs Friend(ly)

Yes, there's a difference. Do you know it?

As defined by Dictionary.com:

• Friend: [noun] a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard
• Friendly: [adjective] characteristic of or befitting a friend; showing friendship

Many people either don't know, fail to realize, or are incapable of exhibiting a solid demonstration of what it takes and means to be a friend; a real friend. Friendships require cultivation, an investment of energy and intimacy (self and trust), and time to grow and blossom. Maintenance is then necessary for it to be sustained. Neither a fort nor a foundation are built overnight; likewise, affection and personal regard for another takes times to build and solidify.

As for being "friendly," most execute these characteristics effortlessly; and don't get me started on those other categories (i.e., acquaintance, associate, that's just someone who...) as those affiliations are accomplished with such precision they are impeccably flawless. To be friendly, all it really takes is a smile, a wave, and possibly the occasional "hello."

Know what you want.
Know what you can give. 
Know what you deserve. 
Know how someone best fits into your life...if at all.

The Christian Grey Effect

Fifty Shades of Grey is still the saucy water-cooler topic of the moment and it's still making people sweat from reading it and blush at the mention of it. Why? I have no idea. Perhaps it is because people assume what it's about before reading it or because people have been living sheltered lives and have been sexually restrained (no pun intended) or inexpressive for far too long. Either way, I pass no judgement. I'm reading the trilogy; or rather, I should say...I'm *still* reading the trilogy. It's a fight and struggle...one I'm desperately ready to overcome.

Don't get me wrong, it's great to see a "romance" novel that reads more like a traditional fiction novel, but I can only take so much boredom. And...hell-to-the-yes...Christian Grey is a dream; with his flaws and all! Yet, while he's making ladies (and some guy-loving men) flip their tops, he's highlighting the many shades of crazy in the men folk. In a way, it's a blessing in disguise as it makes one aware of the BS and nonsense when they see it and know when to walk away.

You know what I'm talking about. Those 'men' who want to call all of the shots, make all of the decisions, and have you do and act as he says in ways that please him.

• The man who wants to talk non-stop and expects you to listen without interrupting (most likely because he doesn't think you have an option of value); yet, he's not saying anything of substance...and likely just tooting his own horn and singing his own praises.
• The man who wants to dictate and determine whom you can have as friends. Opposite-sex friends are a definite NO; despite the fact they have been in your life prior to him and will likely continue to be in your life AFTER him.
• The man who expects you to be conservative in the streets and a freak between the sheets. Wait, isn't that every man?
• My personal favorite, the man who wants you to eat when he eats and what he says to eat. Better known as, the man who orders for you ,but doesn't know what you want. Yes, he's ordering what he wants you to eat. Which could be cool...under some circumstance...but is definitely not hot when he orders you a steak and you're a vegetarian.

Doesn't that sound like the delish and scrumptious Christian Grey, CEO? For the most part, it is. Now, imagine it's the guy sitting across from you. Is he Christian? If he's not, get up and walk away. Don't say anything; just get up...and go. Don't let anyone come into your life with Christian Grey tendencies without delivering the Christian Grey benefits:

• The American Express "Black" card
• Puts thousands of dollars in your account so you will have pocket change
• Turns you inside out, right-side up, and any which way but loose
• Provides a personal trainer and personal shopper for you
• Begs you to spend his money...and smiles when you do
• His eyes only see you

All of the others and their various shades of fxck'ry and fxckedupness...do yourself a favor and send them back to Harry Potter and Dr. Seuss.  

You can do bad all by yourself...and you don't need their craziness to boot.

Online Dating Profiles: What NOT To DO

You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both, and often times we just get too damn much…of nothing; which is the case when it comes to online dating. It’s downright fright-ten-ning! People are crazy; I mean serial-crazy. And the pool of crazy people far too often consist of people who have no intention of giving online dating an honest try because they are skeptical of the entire process, people who “try” online dating because they don’t want to pay for sex, people who have zero social skills and think they can get by and hide online, people who are just crazy and clueless, and the 1% who would be worth getting to know…if only they hadn’t just met someone else or just gotten out of a long term relationship two weeks ago (which leads us to another category of “people who shouldn’t be looking for love, but are).

But enough of that, let’s get to the good stuff…it’s both interesting and helpful. For those who decide they want to register with an online dating site; the below offers great tips on what to/not do. For those who are giving it a whirl, it lets you know what to keep out of your profile and alerts you run far away from people who have this stuff in their profile.

Ready…set…let’s go!

First and foremost: Do NOT register with an online dating service if you aren’t open to the possibility or have no intention of meeting someone in-person/offline. I mean, really, what’s the point?

Do not get confused between a dating site and a sex site; you may see the same people on both sites, but they serve two totally different purposes and mindsets.

Summaries:

Don’t tell ALL of your business; some things are best left unsaid…until the appropriate time – like you’ve been dead for six weeks and the truth is finally starting to be revealed.  I’m kidding, but some things do not need to be shared with someone who’s never actually met you.

That being said, do not write your autobiography, either; keep it brief and intriguing…leave something to talk about later. If your profile looks like it could take someone 20minutes to read, they’ve already lost interest.

Be consistent. If you're going to bend the truth on a subject matter, be consistent with it throughout your profile and throughout the rest of your life; as it will follow you until you decide to let the truth set you free. Let me tell you a story: there was a young guy who selected "Bisexual" as his sexual orientation when he registered his account, he then proceeded to describe himself as a "Straight Jewish Caucasian." It may just be me, but something about that just doesn't sit right with my spirit.

Also, your profile summary is not the place to air out your laundry list of wants, preferences, and demands…keep those for your friends (the real ones).

I’ll reiterate…it’s a summary, NOT your autobiography.

Photos:

     Sadly, online dating is mostly about the physical attraction, so your profile pictures should not be appalling, but appealing. Meaning….DO NOT:

• Post a picture of you in a doctor’s office receiving medical treatment for an injury.  Definitely don’t make it your main picture!
• Post pictures containing other people; especially if they are more attractive. (Blur the faces of others or crop them out completely.) 
• Post bad quality photos: dark, from a distance, grainy, only shows a portion of your face (if at all)…all of these indicate you are trying to hide something and a sane person should stay far away from you.  In addition, NO NUDITY! 
• Post pictures that are embarrassing, bizarre, awkward, or down-right questionable. Pictures can show personality, but use some discretion and sound judgment. 
• Display a picture of an ex with the caption: I have had successful relationships in the past; references available upon request.  Most relationships are successful…until they FAIL. 
• Share a sole picture of your grandmother on your dating profile without an extremely valid explanation. 
• Post pictures of you being intimate with others. 
• Showcase pictures of you in your underwear if: 1) they are dirty 2) they are drooping/sagging/stretched out 3) you have grandchildren and/or adult-aged children.
• Caption each of your photos beginning with the words: Here we are... Especially, if you're the only person in the photo.

Side note: It may, also, not be the wisest or most effective thing to wear a shirt that says “I [heart] Black People” … if you’re not Black.

Usernames:

People seem to lose their damn minds here; or think they are being cute and/or creative. GET HELP PEOPLE!

Some I’ve seen that just say “NO” or are counter-productive/ineffective:

Ashy_like

JustLooking

TryAgain (I totally wanted to say “Why bother? Game over!”

HuskySexyCool (if you’re on an online dating site, you are too damn grown to be using the word ‘husky’ to describe yourself)

To Whitney, With Love

To exhale.

To bow out.

To end a note.

That feeling of emptiness you get when something wonderful comes to an end. 

I never imagined I would be writing this post, but we've lost a national treasure...an icon...a legend; and I've lost a special part of me, a special part of my life. Whitney "Nippy" Elizabeth Houston -- the unprecedented, the incomparable, and one of (if not) THE greatest (female) vocalists of all time. There will never be another.

Style, talent, beauty, and grace; the gold, platinum, and diamond standard for all she represented. A voice so magical; we all wanted to be her. She made her performances seem effortless and fooled many into thinking they could do justice to a "Whitney song." 

Whitney Houston did more than hold a note; she gave it life, filled it with emotion, and told a beautiful story. Oprah Winfrey coined Whitney "The Voice"; as her voice was like magic; fluid, crisp, and multifaceted.  No one could deliver a song like Whitney...she could bend a note like an actress can bend a line. When Whitney sang; you listened...you didn't want to move, you didn't want to breathe. Her audiences respected her vocals and gave most of their thunderous applause only when she paused during a song; often looking out over the audience and smiling. Actress Jenifer Lewis summed it up so perfectly, so beautifully: "When Whitney Houston opens her mouth to sing, she is The 8th Wonder of the World."

In one of her hit songs, she sang 'it would take an eternity to break us; and the chains of Amistad couldn't hold us.' This perfectly describes my adoration and love for Ms. Whitney. Sadly, I never had the honor to meet her, but we're bonded indefinitely through her music and her voice; her talent a permanent pillar of strength and encouragement in life.

Whitney Houston, My Diva: I look to you...I run to you...and I will always love you.

You were loved. You are loved.

Forever and always.  May you rest in peace.

xoxo

"I'm Busy" is Illegal Tender

Maybe it's just another one of my "standards" (and you better have some) things, but I accept Visa, American Express (Black Card accepted with open arms), and on the rare occasion; Mastercard (with proper photo identification). So, tell me...why do people (especially those who try to get up all in my kitchen drooling to lick the batter from my bowl) look at me like I'm stuck-on-stupid when I tell them their "I'm busy" (or some other whack or weak variation of it) excuse is unacceptable?

Chile, bye! Get your life together...and do not come at me with foolishness!

You can only be too bus for so long; it's all about proper and effective time management. More than likely, it would only take a brief moment (you know...an instant) to do whatever you are dreading or to grow a set (as in "confidence") to say what you really should be saying.

No one is too busy to do something they want or need to do. Now, let that sit, marinate, and percolate.

Too busy? Dust yourself off, try again, and come correctly. I'm not having it; period, full stop.

*note: this applies for when "I'm busy" is used far too often and has gone beyond a reasonable length of time. Depending on the circumstances, anything over a week is beyond a reasonable duration of time...in my opinion.

If You Love Someone...Will You Always?

Maybe...just a little bit? Honestly, it's hard to say. I know being "in love" doesn't mean eternal longevity.

Thanks to Facebook (FB) and Whitney Houston, my life is a social-media love song; filled with melody, rhyme, reason, endless resources, and surprisingly useful information and trends. FB has taught me that sometimes you have to let people go (unfriend); and Whitney has taught me how to do it...especially for those personal friendships/relationships that involves more than just the click of your mouse or a tap of your fingertip.

As people, we grow...we evolve...we (ok, most of us) change (hopefully, for the better). With this, the dynamics in our friendships and relationships with our friends, our lovers, and for some the relationships with former "persons of interest." Assess. Evaluate. Remove those connections that have deteriorated beyond repair and no longer hold value for your life....dead-weight-be-gone!  This is why I always say know the difference between "friends" and "friendly." You DO NOT have to be friends with someone to be friendly and being friendly DOES NOT mean you are friends.

When the time comes (and it definitely should come) to end a friendship or a relationship; take the high road and be nice and mature about it; respectful. Don't take the passive, lame, ignorant approach of not returning phone calls, suddenly being too busy (see my rant on the "busy" excuse) for someone...communicate. Lay the cards out on the table; let them know you are ending the friendship and relationship. You can provide a reason as to why if you want or if they ask, but in the least, effectively communicate that the friendship/relationship is over/complete/done wish/null and void/dissolved. Closure is invaluable; and all parties will appreciate and respect it.

Trust me when I say "it feels good." To let someone know your song is over and there will be no more dancing....priceless.

Yes, I leave you with this to help you find your way home....

Why Does The National Anthem Put People On The Attack?

Never before have I seen something (ok, maybe the topics of abortion and homosexuality) put people on the attack as quickly as a performance of The Star Spangled Banner that isn't sung in the "traditional" manner. Side note: as many times as the anthem has been sung and how often we hear it, I'm sure many now consider the traditional arrangement 'boring as hell' and considerably 'overdone.'

Furthermore, it's 2012; practically everyone is trying to stand out from the crowd and make their own mark (or make it bigger and bolder, if they've already made their mark), so why would someone do something that everyone has already been done? That's nothing special and it damn sure isn't hot.

Steven Tyler delivered a rendition at today's AFC Championship (The Hollywood Reporter post); and of course, people were bitching and complaining before he even finished...and you know the song isn't but so long. He goofed on one word, but it easily played into his performance and pretty much went unnoticed. No complaints. The pitchforks came out in droves for his vocal arrangement; it seems as if many (including this person, who only posted because Tyler's performance "wasn't awesome (in a good way)". You know I'm seriously rolling my eyes. Do we honestly have nothing to complain about besides someone not adhering to a vocal arrangement that may or may not fit their vocal style? Steven Tyler is a Rock star; his rendition was as close to traditional as it's going to get...and it wasn't that far off. Anything closer would have been like asking a mime to sing a Mariah Carey arrangement. Yep, that wouldn't have been right, either.

We have other issues to be more concerned and vocal about: declining morals and values in our society, how I'm going to turn my regular-size closet into a walk-in closet, and declining grammar skills ... point in case, this one Steven Tyler critic: "What a disgrace! Why doesn't the NFL get someone who can actually sing it correct, like Reba!" Yes, on that sour note, I am going to begin "shaking my damn head" now, as I prepare to walk away from this piece.

I swear, each majorly televised performance of The Star Spangled Banner brings out the critics and sparks conversations about the "best" performances to date and the "most failed." Seriously, people? Do better!

By now, we should all know good and well that you can't please everyone and people are never satisfied. I definitely know this, but still want people to do better and improve.

Over 20 years later, this is still my favorite performance of The Star Spangled Banner; I think it's the best, too.