"Touched...and not by an angel" is a little, special saying I like to use to describe people I come across in my life who are one, more, or all of the following: special, dropped as a child, 10 eggs short of a dozen, crazy as hell, done lost their damn mind, or "I don't know what it is, but something just ain't right." There was a time in my life where I ran across a few of these people on a daily basis. I don't encounter them as frequently, anymore...and that could be a good thing.
The bad part; when I run across them now, it tends to be in personal (i.e., dating) situations. To the naysayers, I'm not male-bashing because: 1) I'm male and 2) the things I am about to say are the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth---with my own special flair. You may remember most or all of these, but here's a recap and entertaining reasons why one would subscribe to their 'issues':
*Mr. Take My Advice. Age 30-something (now, who the hell cares?). Reason to subscribe: Big on giving unsolicited (and thus unappreciated) advice, even to people he barely knew and for situations he wasn't well informed about. Funny thing is, he couldn't seem to guide is own life. His words, "My advice doesn't work for myself, only for others." My advice to him: COME OUT OF THE CLOSET. I hate to say this about my gay brethren, but he was rather obvious. I mean, honey-chile was a spark short of being a blaze. On FI-YAH!
*The Playwright. Age 49 (now, 52). Reason to subscribe: He was a waiter for a catering company but considered himself a playwright because he wrote a skit (and yes, I did say SKIT and not PLAY) for his family when he was.....12. Also, I don't mind people being into the 'natural body odor' thing, but I still need you to bathe on a daily basis. It's just uncouth; like fake hair...it ain't natural.
*Mr. Too Damn Grown for That. Age 29 (now 32). Reason to subscribe: Freaks out in groups of 3 (including himself) or more, at times above and beyond annoying, and poor social skills. On the flip-side, he's warm, caring, and friendly--if you can get passed the M&M candy-coated shell he's put up around himself. Nevertheless, if you're 6'5"and over 200lbs, I'm going to need you to not act like a 2 year old when we go out in public...especially if I happen to take you to the Louis Vuitton (love me some LV) store with me. I don't do embarrassing moments! Respect that. Remember that. And don't forget that.
*Monsieur Poland Springs. Age 35. Reason to subscribe: NONE. Skip this publication. Who complains about bottled water? More specifically, the individual bottles of water versus the gallon size; yet despises the in-home water coolers. Crazy as hell!
*Mr. Racial Fetishist. Age, I have no idea...30s, 40s? Never dated this freak, just someone life through in my path. See the January 2009 post "A New Kink?" for the full story.
*The Lads of the "I Love You But I'm Not In-Love With You" Society. Age, various. Reasons to subscribe: Puns and other plays on words, good to laugh with and laugh at. Apparently, this is the one-line in every guy's repertoire; yet, many don't seem to know the meaning of the words: exclusive, honest, loyal, committed, agreement. Sadly, words they tend to use on a frequent basis. Warning: they appear to be decent guys (and have great, appealing tendencies and qualities) and are generally fun to be around. Friendships are better than relationships with these "members-only" jacket wearing brethren.
*Just Plain Crazy. Age, 39 (now, early 40s). Reason to subscribe: Never a dull moment. It was always surprising to see whom I would be going out with: Mr. I'm Always Right Yet Always Wrong, the one who apparently did the voice-over for Alvin & The Chipmunks, or the Interior Decorator of all NYC spaces. Had a recent encounter with this Bag-o-Fun; I think there's now a new personality...Mr. Calm and Tranquil (on the outside), but probably better suited as My Shrink Wrote Me A Prescription. Valium, anyone?
*Mr. Dessert For Dinner. Age 47 (now, not sure. He's been 47 for a few years). Reason to subscribe: He has lost his damn mind. He thought I was about to give him my freshly-baked cookies cause he bought me dinner from Chipotle and ice cream from Ben & Jerry's; totaling about $14. Absof***inglutely not!!! He obviously had me twisted and confused with someone else.
As you can tell, I've been around the Crazy As Hell Funny Farm; and this isn't all...just the most entertaining. Ironically, one of the above was joking with me and said a similar "Touched..." phrase. It's mean, yet wickedly funny. He said if it wasn't an angel who touched them, perhaps it was an uncle. CRUEL; but I like it. Sadly, he may have been revealing something about himself. I was passed the point of caring about him, so....I left.
The bad part; when I run across them now, it tends to be in personal (i.e., dating) situations. To the naysayers, I'm not male-bashing because: 1) I'm male and 2) the things I am about to say are the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth---with my own special flair. You may remember most or all of these, but here's a recap and entertaining reasons why one would subscribe to their 'issues':
*Mr. Take My Advice. Age 30-something (now, who the hell cares?). Reason to subscribe: Big on giving unsolicited (and thus unappreciated) advice, even to people he barely knew and for situations he wasn't well informed about. Funny thing is, he couldn't seem to guide is own life. His words, "My advice doesn't work for myself, only for others." My advice to him: COME OUT OF THE CLOSET. I hate to say this about my gay brethren, but he was rather obvious. I mean, honey-chile was a spark short of being a blaze. On FI-YAH!
*The Playwright. Age 49 (now, 52). Reason to subscribe: He was a waiter for a catering company but considered himself a playwright because he wrote a skit (and yes, I did say SKIT and not PLAY) for his family when he was.....12. Also, I don't mind people being into the 'natural body odor' thing, but I still need you to bathe on a daily basis. It's just uncouth; like fake hair...it ain't natural.
*Mr. Too Damn Grown for That. Age 29 (now 32). Reason to subscribe: Freaks out in groups of 3 (including himself) or more, at times above and beyond annoying, and poor social skills. On the flip-side, he's warm, caring, and friendly--if you can get passed the M&M candy-coated shell he's put up around himself. Nevertheless, if you're 6'5"and over 200lbs, I'm going to need you to not act like a 2 year old when we go out in public...especially if I happen to take you to the Louis Vuitton (love me some LV) store with me. I don't do embarrassing moments! Respect that. Remember that. And don't forget that.
*Monsieur Poland Springs. Age 35. Reason to subscribe: NONE. Skip this publication. Who complains about bottled water? More specifically, the individual bottles of water versus the gallon size; yet despises the in-home water coolers. Crazy as hell!
*Mr. Racial Fetishist. Age, I have no idea...30s, 40s? Never dated this freak, just someone life through in my path. See the January 2009 post "A New Kink?" for the full story.
*The Lads of the "I Love You But I'm Not In-Love With You" Society. Age, various. Reasons to subscribe: Puns and other plays on words, good to laugh with and laugh at. Apparently, this is the one-line in every guy's repertoire; yet, many don't seem to know the meaning of the words: exclusive, honest, loyal, committed, agreement. Sadly, words they tend to use on a frequent basis. Warning: they appear to be decent guys (and have great, appealing tendencies and qualities) and are generally fun to be around. Friendships are better than relationships with these "members-only" jacket wearing brethren.
*Just Plain Crazy. Age, 39 (now, early 40s). Reason to subscribe: Never a dull moment. It was always surprising to see whom I would be going out with: Mr. I'm Always Right Yet Always Wrong, the one who apparently did the voice-over for Alvin & The Chipmunks, or the Interior Decorator of all NYC spaces. Had a recent encounter with this Bag-o-Fun; I think there's now a new personality...Mr. Calm and Tranquil (on the outside), but probably better suited as My Shrink Wrote Me A Prescription. Valium, anyone?
*Mr. Dessert For Dinner. Age 47 (now, not sure. He's been 47 for a few years). Reason to subscribe: He has lost his damn mind. He thought I was about to give him my freshly-baked cookies cause he bought me dinner from Chipotle and ice cream from Ben & Jerry's; totaling about $14. Absof***inglutely not!!! He obviously had me twisted and confused with someone else.
As you can tell, I've been around the Crazy As Hell Funny Farm; and this isn't all...just the most entertaining. Ironically, one of the above was joking with me and said a similar "Touched..." phrase. It's mean, yet wickedly funny. He said if it wasn't an angel who touched them, perhaps it was an uncle. CRUEL; but I like it. Sadly, he may have been revealing something about himself. I was passed the point of caring about him, so....I left.
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